In life and especially in dating, comfort zones are funny things. They can be helpful, but comfort zones that keep us from doing great things are never helpful. To break free from worthless comfort zones like the fear of speaking to or wooing your potential spouse, you need to be bold. Be willing to experience new things, new emotions, and even new disappointments.
So, talk to the person you are most interested in dating. Go on a date. Be bold and spontaneous, and make it fun. Keep moving forward even when things don’t seem exactly the way you want them to be. Often life will bring disappointments. It’s what we do with those that matters. Do we give up? No, we put our shoulder to the wheel, and press on with the faith of our forefathers, not stopping until the promise land is reached.
By the time I was in my late 20s, although I had dated quite a bit, I had exhausted my list of best dating methods. And I was still wifeless. I had tried dating to find Sister Deaver in my Singles Ward. Failed. I had tried Institute Dances. Failed. I had even tried knocking doors at BYU with my friend Don to find her that way. Failed. One day, some young women in my ward invited me and my roommates to a country dance. Having grown up in California, my experience was that if you listened to country music, you were either made fun of or beat up. But, since I had tried just about everything else to find my wife, I decided to go to the country dance. When we arrived at the dance, I realized that we had to pay $5 to get in. Being thrifty (my wife would say, “cheap”), I was reluctant. My roommate Patrick footed the bill for me (for which I will be eternally grateful).
Chris Deaver, co-author of Fearless Dating, recently had an inspiring article about Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness for families, published in the New Era Magazine.
You can find the text version here. You can find the audio version here. Enjoy!
In an effort to continue to spread the good word of Fearless Dating, we’re including in today’s post the first chapter of the book. Enjoy! And, feel free to share with friends and family!
Plan for Success
Opening Your Eye of Faith
Have faith to seek first the kingdom of God. We have learned that unshakable faith in the Lord enriches married life and love. Faith in Him increases one’s very capacity to love, both quantitatively and qualitatively.—Elder Russell M. Nelson
Maybe you’ve been home from a full-time mission for a only month or two and have recently happened upon the serious dating scene. Maybe you’re just arriving at that stage in life when you feel comfortable with focusing on dating as a real priority. Whatever your situation, you can surely relate to the feelings of so many singles we know and love. Yes, they want to have fun. And yes, they eventually want to get married. Some are doing everything they can to find the right person with whom they can settle for time and all eternity. Some may even be so anxious to have their dream wedding that they feel like they may have forgotten the real goal. In reality, there is a plan of salvation and exaltation for you, and dating has everything to do with it.
Preparing for success in dating is like making a great movie. It all starts with envisioning a great story. If the writer and director don’t believe they can make a great story, the whole thing will fail. Imagine the actors standing around on set, waiting to deliver lines and perform actions that ultimately lead them nowhere—no final destiny, no game-winning touchdown, no buried treasure, no fair maiden, and no crystal shores. It is an unfortunate end to what could have been a great “happily ever after” and yet, far too often, it’s exactly what happens to those who date without an ultimate goal in mind.
There’s an excellent song by Rascal Flatts with these words:
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
(Bless the Broken Road, Rascal Flatts)
Remember that the Lord knows you, what you’ve been through, where you are in life, and He even knows who you will ultimately marry. He is preparing that person for you, as you prepare yourself for that person. And, you may feel that you are going down a “broken road”. But, truly the Lord is blessing that road to lead you to the eternal happiness you so deeply desire. So, get out there and date. Don’t worry about finding the perfect person immediately–know that it’s a process of elimination that often takes a great deal of time and effort, and dating.
In the Doctrine and Covenants, Section 58, verses 27-29, the Lord stated it perfectly clear when he said, ” Verily I say, men should be aanxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;
For the power is in them, wherein they are aagents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their breward.
But he that adoeth not anything until he is commanded, and receiveth a commandment with bdoubtful heart, and keepeth it with slothfulness, the same is cdamned.
Join in for this exclusive opportunity to get your copy of Fearless Dating signed by Julia Deaver, co-author of Fearless Dating. She will be in the BYU Bookstore on April 29th, 4-6pm (along with Women’s Conference at BYU). Julia is an engaging, amazing woman with a principle-centered perspective that she is excited to share. So, feel free to meet her and get your book signed!
One of the most important decisions in dating is to choose the right and stick to your standards no matter what. Temptations come, but they can never overcome you if you hold fast to the Christ-like decisions you’ve made, based on your covenants. As referenced in Fearless Dating, Chris had a powerful experience with temptation in his younger years that can be applied in dating. It’s found in this month’s The Friend magazine right here .
Steve Young, one of the most respected quarterbacks to ever play in the NFL, also a direct descendant of the prophet Brigham Young, had his fair share of dating challenges. And yet, through it all, he managed to find and marry his sweetheart, Barbara, in the Temple for time and eternity, and is now blessed with an eternal family. What was HIS secret to success? In his own words, Steve says:
“When I was quarterbacking in the NFL, I often had to throw the ball over huge defenders without knowing exactly where it would land. At the time, my coach told me that this was something that required a leap of faith. By believing that the receiver would be there as I threw the ball, I was able to connect for touchdowns. Similarly, dating fearlessly takes a leap of faith, as well as following great coaching from Heavenly Father. You may not know how everything will turn out in the end, but by staying focused and listening to the Spirit, you will ultimately achieve success.
“I remember being single and what it was like to go through the experience of dating. I also recall feeling the desire to make the best decisions. One thing that I have learned is that going from single to happily married for time and all eternity takes effort and energy. Most of all, it takes selflessness.
“Dating is filled with decisions. And making the best decisions means being your best self and moving forward with faith. This book will help you do that. It’s a great playbook for true dating success. Loaded with advice from the scriptures and great examples, Fearless Dating can make a difference for any Single Latter-day Saint looking to confidently prepare for a great marriage.”
Great advice. And, a great plug for Fearless Dating–
The BYU Daily Universe just published an article that spotlights Fearless Dating. Check it out here.
Great quote from the article:
Fearless Dating “provides a game-changing proposition: take fear out of the dating equation. In other words, it provides a clear path for how to trust in the Lord by exercising faith in dating.”
Having been a BYU student myself, not so recently as I might like to admit, I know that BYU is a wonderful place to date. With literally thousands of top-notch young adults converging in one place, it presents a rare and amazing opportunity to meet Sister or Brother Right. For many singles, though, it also presents many challenges—including fear. Whether it’s fear of rejection, fear of things not working out, fear of the “DTR”, feelings of anxiety and stress can manifest in so many ways. And it’s a challenge for many, many people.
Being that BYU students are typically perfectionists, this can also mean feeling frustrated with missed opportunities, or feeling pressured to marry fast. And the fact that so many future blessings and opportunities hinge on that one decision only adds to the stress and potential fear. So, whatever the situation, from the recently returned missionary who is apprehensive about diving back into the dating game to the veteran dater who has been in the game for countless Friday nights and still companionless, the book presents a powerful answer. It is this: Eliminate fear from the dating equation. The great thing is that the gospel empowers us to do that, and Fearless Dating: Escape the Singles Ward, Find True Love, and Join the Happily Married is, as Hall of Famer QB Steve Young has said, “a great playbook for true dating success.” In short, it’s a basic guidebook for getting in the game, the most important game of our lives—exaltation.
